Needs that make me more firmly His

What does it really mean to represent God? I know that this is supposed to be our everyday occupation, but not every day looks the same. What about the days when I’m angry, when I feel ill-used, when I’m not confident that I can be a Good Godly Girl?

What about the moments when God feels far away and I feel too weak and full of sin to chase Him down?

What about the weeks when living for Him doesn’t feel worth it?

What about the instances when I’m not sure I can hold up God in my circumstances because I’m not sure that He’s able to hold me up in them for yet another day?

When my question-petitions are not answered with what I want to hear; when I don’t know how to go on living this way; how can I still be for Him?

When I don’t know what He’ll do next, how can He expect me to rationally say, “I will praise Him still”?

I am broken, and still He is real. He won’t back down. He moves in when I feel like it would be best to move away. He insists on open access to my heart when not even I want that. He knows with all the tenderness of a Father of heaven that I can not represent Him as I am. He cares that I don’t know where He is, and I wonder how He could let me hurt this much.

That’s why I’m in this mess. No, not so that He can punish me for failing to fulfill expectations too lofty for me to even see. My God is just not like that with His own.

Instead, like no other person I know, He is using His power to challenge and chasten me. His highest aim is to make me at home with Him in my heart so that He can make me that woman who represents Him.

Because He orchestrates my deliverance from more sin every day, my heart does not want for opportunities to see Him, reasons to praise Him. He will establish my glory in Himself as He resolutely dethrones my glory in myself. As the comfort I find in sin fades, so will my empty boasts. It is not wrong for Him to deride my sin and devastate my hopes in temporary heroes until there is no one left for me to witness to and bless than the One who ever is my Savior.

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