God is active in my life, yet He would make me wait on Him before I see where He can take me. I watch the days of my life go by, seeing myself fading away, leaving more evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit, yet still grieving. I’ve heard the verse “a season for everything under heaven,” but wonder when God will let me see the rest of that everything. A time to tear down and a time to build up, yet both are happening almost simultaneously as He patiently produces in me His one true delight: holiness.

He is a God I can only perceive in the most finite degrees — what excellencies have I missed due to my crippled mind? My difficulty accepting the process?

My heart is agitated, the problem: spiritual anxiety. Strange combo, you might say, but I’ve noticed that it afflicts the work-oriented believer. Either I rely on work to establish or support me. The most recent form God has been identifying in my heart is this burden I have taken on myself to interpret all His signs, explaining to myself what He’s up to. I can’t wait, I have to at least know now, even if I can’t have now. I will do whatever I can to circumvent this awful feeling of being in limbo. Did God ever think I wanted this? And, is He ever going to get around to moving me on? For the moment, it seems unlikely, so I will make myself aware, and devise a way out. God might have me waiting, but I can use this precious time for my own advantage — fleeing Him, resisting His ways and forsaking His praise.

Yet, even when I see Him moving, and my waiting time diminishing, I still have problems with God. And isn’t that the truth behind the whole thing: I have problems with God; I will always have problems with God. Isn’t this the Christian’s daily testimony: the fact that God was the only one that chose for us to relate at heart-level? I was never clamoring for it, and I am still not favoring it above all else.

So, what becomes of me? I wait. It’s what I began with, it’s what I end with — let that be all, let that be enough, so that Christ can triumph in and over me. I think that was the goal to begin with — hopefully I’m starting to get it by now…

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