“God, I can’t live this dependent on You.” My words are truth–an admission of undeniable need–not a whining attempt to manipulate His hand by way of His heart. “Every day it becomes more obvious: You have set me on a path that is not equal to my abilities. In Your sovereignty over the grand scheme of my life, You were not looking for a way to make my strengths and Your goals compatible. Rather, You have made a way that allows only for all strength to come from You.
“Truly, Father,” I go on, in a tired way. “I cannot pretend that this is easy for me to take. It isn’t. I feel like You’re taking away my freedom. I feel like you are condemning me to death. I can’t escape and I don’t know how to live here either. What am I to do? How am I to continue on this unfriendly-to-me path? Nothing I’ve ever experienced in life presents me with examples of how to handle this latest test. I am helpless, in myself.”
My child, that is exactly how I want you to be. In the greater-than-you difficulties of your condition, you are most present to grace. All your reaching from that place can but be for Me. I know it feels like death to you but, loved one, you must grow to embrace death in My hands just as you embrace life. I am the One who provides for you in both–I am the One who uses both for your good.
I know you don’t want to see good from Me in this way. But, My tender one, it is time. You are ready to face this. You must grow deeper in Me, and this is what is required. If there could be another way, I would execute it. Yet, My still one, you will not truly suffer: The gain you shall receive through this is knowing more acutely the pleasing submission I exhibited in My death. You will understand what gave value and depth to My resurrection.
You will be acquainted more deeply–more feelingly–with My travails for you. You will be consumed by Love in a greater way. You will rejoice–on the other side–for you will know that your God did not hold back from you any revelation that would bless you; though, at times they ran so deep that they exposed your weaknesses.