Enter, Lord, into this life with me. I cannot “do” it without Your presence. You make life liveable and I can’t run from that. I’ve tried to tune out the truth and go on believing like I did before–that You are only an add-on to my normal life essentials. But You are now so big that you stand between me and the lies that were my insulation from this intimacy we have.
I confess that I did not know that intimacy was this painful. I thought it was all romantic candlelight and perfect rose petals in my favorite color. But intimacy is You…taking me…as I am. It is scary, Lord. It is not everything I want it to be. It stretches me beyond where I want to go. It beckons me to live on the edge of what makes me comfortable, what makes me comfortable and secure apart from You.
I don’t want intimacy with You to do all the things that it does to me, but what are my other choices? To have no part in You at all? To forever stay on the outside of really knowing You? Can I do that? Can I really forfeit life in its essence–perfect and purifying? No, Father, You are my answer to that.
You’ve already made my heart beat for You in places too deep for words, too deep for me to fully know. No, Father, I am Yours. You have given me my name and my right to be with You. May I not lay that blessing aside. Instead, may Your desire for me overwhelm and lead my desire for You. May You be true to me when I know not how to be so to You. I ask these things, God, because I know who You are and You are One I can trust.
When is the last time you let God have all you had in a given moment–whether that was beautiful or so full of shame that your insides begged you to hold back and give God less than the true you? I have found myself in both places and honestly, either one can be a struggle–for, what I believe is my own I like to keep that way. Some things I would like to believe are really none of God’s business–after all, they might alter our relationship in a way that I don’t like. So I bid to hold back. I fail to risk.
But God keeps testing my heart to see if that is really what I want; to see if my spirit will not rise up in agreement with His–insisting I will have intimacy with God at any cost. What we often do not realize is that intimacy with God is always valued at the price of how much of ourselves we lay down before Him. Intimacy is not a gift that can be given to us, it is something that we must participate in for it to be authentic and satisfying…even for it to be real.
Not many of us want to give that much of ourselves to God. We don’t want to choose sacrifice. Maybe if it is demanded of us and we have no other option, we will comply with such a charge, but when intimacy and self-sacrifice and -exposure are only the calling of Love upon our souls, we hold back. We take it slow. We fail to move or adjust our position. We give God nothing.
Most, if not all, of us want it to be proven to us that the risk is worthwhile. We would even like to see what the results will be before we have fully engaged ourselves in it. We just want to be safe. But at what cost? At the cost of never giving to God? At the cost of never knowing deeply and life-changing-ly His power and love because He doesn’t fit our perceptions of what would make a good life for us?
Yet, there are some of us that decide–in light of all that we’ve considered–it is too great a risk to do anything but risk for the sake of knowing God. After all, what are we left with if we have not Him? If all is not Him, can anything bless us at all? If the prospect of God touching us and asserting His glory in and upon us is not enough to awaken your soul to the thrill of abandonment, what is? The question is, What do you consider the greater risk: Living all to God or not?