Is God a risk YOU are willing to take?

Enter, Lord, into this life with me. I cannot “do” it without Your presence. You make life liveable and I can’t run from that. I’ve tried to tune out the truth and go on believing like I did before–that You are only an add-on to my normal life essentials. But You are now so big that you stand between me and the lies that were my insulation from this intimacy we have.

I confess that I did not know that intimacy was this painful. I thought it was all romantic candlelight and perfect rose petals in my favorite color. But intimacy is You…taking me…as I am. It is scary, Lord. It is not everything I want it to be. It stretches me beyond where I want to go. It beckons me to live on the edge of what makes me comfortable, what makes me comfortable and secure apart from You.

I don’t want intimacy with You to do all the things that it does to me, but what are my other choices? To have no part in You at all? To forever stay on the outside of really knowing You? Can I do that? Can I really forfeit life in its essence–perfect and purifying? No, Father, You are my answer to that.

You’ve already made my heart beat for You in places too deep for words, too deep for me to fully know. No, Father, I am Yours. You have given me my name and my right to be with You. May I not lay that blessing aside. Instead, may Your desire for me overwhelm and lead my desire for You. May You be true to me when I know not how to be so to You. I ask these things, God, because I know who You are and You are One I can trust.

When is the last time you let God have all you had in a given moment–whether that was beautiful or so full of shame that your insides begged you to hold back and give God less than the true you? I have found myself in both places and honestly, either one can be a struggle–for, what I believe is my own I like to keep that way. Some things I would like to believe are really none of God’s business–after all, they might alter our relationship in a way that I don’t like. So I bid to hold back. I fail to risk.

But God keeps testing my heart to see if that is really what I want; to see if my spirit will not rise up in agreement with His–insisting I will have intimacy with God at any cost. What we often do not realize is that intimacy with God is always valued at the price of how much of ourselves we lay down before Him. Intimacy is not a gift that can be given to us, it is something that we must participate in for it to be authentic and satisfying…even for it to be real.

Not many of us want to give that much of ourselves to God. We don’t want to choose sacrifice. Maybe if it is demanded of us and we have no other option, we will comply with such a charge, but when intimacy and self-sacrifice and -exposure are only the calling of Love upon our souls, we hold back. We take it slow. We fail to move or adjust our position. We give God nothing.

Most, if not all, of us want it to be proven to us that the risk is worthwhile. We would even like to see what the results will be before we have fully engaged ourselves in it. We just want to be safe. But at what cost? At the cost of never giving to God? At the cost of never knowing deeply and life-changing-ly His power and love because He doesn’t fit our perceptions of what would make a good life for us?

Yet, there are some of us that decide–in light of all that we’ve considered–it is too great a risk to do anything but risk for the sake of knowing God. After all, what are we left with if we have not Him? If all is not Him, can anything bless us at all? If the prospect of God touching us and asserting His glory in and upon us is not enough to awaken your soul to the thrill of abandonment, what is? The question is, What do you consider the greater risk: Living all to God or not?

Will You help me here…maybe just to hear?

I am searching today for a light in this life. I am disappointed with the abundance of shadows that conglomerate before me. I wonder what You were thinking when You allowed me to walk through this forsaken land. I want to be free from it, but I sense Your intentions to free me through it.

Why, Lord? WHY?!! Why do You put such weights upon me? Do You really think I can handle this? I don’t understand Your plans when they conflict with what makes me strong and sure of good. I want to pull my life out of Your hands, to wrench my hopes from the limitations imposed by Your grasp…but somehow I can’t.

All I can do is sit here in a heap, wanting to scream. Wanting to abandon all that I’ve known of Your faithfulness. Wanting to stop trusting. Wanting to find a new God. Wanting to find pleasure and hope in any place I can. Any place that lacks these shadows and tears.

Dearest Reader, do you find yourself identifying with me in my struggle today? Do you have less than all the answers? Are you living with a minimum of what you want, unable to understand why God would let this be–and for so long?

I only know to offer you one counsel: Water the lap of your Father with your tears. Let not one remain within you that does not touch Him as well. This is what you need to do now–it may even be a part of why you are where you are. Your strength will come in trickles of mercy that intermingle His identification with your suffering. This can be good for you. This can be grace. Oh, please, friend, be willing to let Him make you see.

One Lovely Blog Award–Can I say “Thank You”?

So, this post has been a long time in coming! I have not been myself–or, at least, not able to carry out life in my usual way for some time. It is due to God’s unfailing grace that I am here to write this now.

I want to thank my friend at Learning My Path Towards God: she not only delighted me by giving me this nomination (five months ago!), but has blessed my spirit with her care and concern for me when I was struggling and needed take time to just be myself. I appreciate her praying and encouraging others to do the same. It comforted me to know that when I was so weak before God, my petitions did not reach Him alone.

Please visit her blog with a little encouragement:

Okay, I have seven things to tell you about myself.

1. I’m pretty private about a decent chunk of my life, so making lists like these is always a bit difficult.

2. When put on the spot I can never think of those interesting personal stories and preferences that a certain game or conversation calls for.

3. Spiritually, I feel like a mountain climber who has been to some pretty exotic spots with God, but has also paid the price to get there.

4. I value quiet time with God, though I have learned that it is a very personal thing that can only be traced out as you go along with God, learning what fellowship between your hearts looks like.

5. The year that just passed was a very difficult one, but I know that I would not be so aware of and knowingly dependent on my Father’s mercies if He had not allowed me to walk through it with Him.

6. I’m excited to report that I read 215 books in 2012–let’s see how many I read this year!

7. One of my favorite verses–one that has become a life verse and an anchor through many storms for my soul–is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And now for the blogs that I have found loveliness in–I hope you feel the same!
















The question of what I will be digs into my heart…

The pressure to be what others think I should be is strong and I don’t know what to do with it. Compliance has always been my mode of response; I don’t know if there can be another. What would life look like if I could be assured that what I’m supposed to be was in my Savior’s hands…was something that I could not lead, but could surely submit to?

Isn’t that a relief? You don’t have to make yourself be anything. You can simply be what I have called you to be because you know I am working that out within you. My child, you don’t have to worry about anything. What the world wants you to be is not a lasting entity or a worthwhile pursuit. Yet, if you will remain in Me, you shall know what real living and being is.