I’m going to go somewhere with you today that I don’t want to go. As much as I want to stall–avoiding a meaningful confrontation with my me-based fears–it is clear that I’ve used that option long enough. At this point, my fear is being quickly eclipsed by weighty frustration. I’m taunted by the question, “What are you doing?” Followed by, “And when will you get going with what you’re really supposed to be doing?”
God is ushering my heart into a confrontation of my tolerance of personal mediocrity. I’m not giving all of me to the life and calling God has given me. I’m holding something back; namely, the parts of me that I think aren’t good enough for persistent cultivation or public exposure. I have no problem giving my best when I feel my best–that I find very enjoyable.
What I don’t find so pleasant are days like this one when God urges me to give more than my feeling-driven best. He asks me to give what is my best in this moment, whether or not it happens to be on par with what I was able to offer yesterday or last week.
God compels me to adopt a new brand of thinking about achievement, one where faith is the ultimate thing that determines what I surrender to His use. I don’t have to be obsessed with giving from the fruit of my heart and mind only those things that I think will make for instant-successes. By God’s grace, it’s so much simpler: My obsession is to be trained on the One I give to rather than obsessing miserably over what He might be able to use.
It’s not my job to decide what God can use and what He can’t. My task is to give Him everything and let Him sort through it, adapting each of my strengths and weaknesses to the purposes He already has for me. If you have this same struggle, please join me in letting go of the control we want over what God does with us. Let us learn to humbly accept His rule over what we become regardless of what we presently are.