Some people may become silly when they lack sleep. I become angry. Negativity runs strong and temptation to hopelessness pulls at me with unrelenting persistence. I am very aware of how close I am to the edge. I feel like prey that can easily be taken down by my Enemy. I do not question his presence on days like this. I only wish he weren’t so adept at inciting me to question the presence of my Ally and Refuge-Providing God.
Days like today don’t empty me out–they merely press me and show how much I have already been drained of in the last few days. I feel helpless and possibly out of the way for true help. I don’t know what to do with myself. All the things that are more easily restrained when I am composed in rest are now ever in anticipation of running wild in me at the slightest provocation. I feel like I am the mom who has to step away for a minute to answer the phone, but when she comes back she is met with chaos she did not know was possible for children in such a short time.
This is not to say that I have no part in my blow-ups or that I have no power to choose thoughts other than the despair-laced ones that Satan feeds me. I am just keenly aware of my inadequacy: my acute need for grace. It is difficult to have to see myself this way. It is depressing, at times, to not be able to move myself beyond such dependency on God’s mercy. But when I finally go to God with the conditions I’m facing, I find that He–not I–is more than enough for what’s going on. The war against me is one I find that He was fighting on my behalf before I was even on His side.
It is on days like these that I find comfort in some of the deepest places of my soul. I realize that God is active in the ditches of my daily experience. On the worst days that I log in the Christian life, God is just as good as the God I perceive Him to be when I freely dance in the light. At times I need a “downer” day to remind me that all the things I calculate as necessary qualities of a “good” day so often eclipse the one thing that makes each and every one of my days a delight: My Savior-God.
When I am empty and weary I learn to want only Him with greater passion. I learn that He is the one thing that anchors my soul while my life swings pendulum-like back and forth between good and bad days. This day and its needs will pass. But Christ and my need for Him (and enjoyment of Him) will not. I want to enjoy Him forever. Even on the days when I find little to enjoy in anything else. Thank God He cohabits the dull and dreary days with me just as surely as the deep and dreamy ones!
Wikipedia: He is a third-person, singular personal pronoun in Modern English, as well as being a personal pronoun in Middle English. →