I like trying to fill the needs of others, but I really dislike treating their weaknesses. I am like a nurse who likes emergencies but refuses to attend to the everyday needs of people who depend on her.
Because I act like this, I’m often afraid that I will receive the same treatment. I’m afraid people will disown my problems: treating me as though I don’t have them or treating me like it’s a shame that I do. (Ouch!)
I’m also afraid that God will act like this too. Does He really see that I have problems and I need help? And, if He does, is that something that endears Him to me, or is it just a mess that makes Him want to turn away?
Do you ever wonder if your sins and failures will make you ineligible for love? Do you think love is based on your perceived perfection? Or do you believe that it is based on something you can do to awaken a deep capacity for love in another?
I’m sorry to say that I have thought my experience of love was based on both. I thought love was basically a gift I gave myself. It was not something that someone else really gave me–they could never really be that good. (Forgive me for the reallys but that’s how I thought about the things that were most important to me. There was always a reason in my head that exempted me from all the things that made me human. I didn’t know how else to think. Nothing else seemed convincing.)
But, I think when it comes to love we give to much credit to our own perceptions of things. We look at our histories and map out the rest of our lives by it. This is sad. Our histories don’t just show us that things are messed up, they’re supposed to show us that we’re messed up.
We need love but we don’t know where to find it. When love comes along, we run the other way or we’re already too busy with something else. All you have to do is watch a few other people’s lives to realize that is the propensity we have. None of us mean to do it, we just do. It’s our nature. And our nature is a real mess.
Our nature is the reason why we’re messed up and the reason why so much of what we experience is messed up. Which kinda makes you wonder if we can still hold a license to blame God. In light of who we are, it doesn’t make any sense to blame God. In fact, it seems we have enough blame for the both of us–God doesn’t need to keep any of His own.
Rather, it’s in our best interest if He doesn’t. Because if God doesn’t make mistakes and He’s not needy, then He can help us. And I’d much rather have that help then to push Him away and die without it. I’d rather trust that the death He already died is enough. I’d rather trust that because He died for me and is alive again, He surely will not find it too difficult or too undesirable to care for me. I may even get to the point where I can believe that He wanted to do this all along!