And…You’re Done!

Exactly 5 weeks ago God performed a miracle in my life. God told me He was done teaching me the lessonsĀ  He had for me to learn through a trial that lasted for:

Year One: 24+28+31+30+31+30+31+31+30+31+30+31 days

Year Two: 31+28+31+30+31+30+31+31+30+31+30+31 days

Year Three: 31+28+31+30+31+30+31 days

For a total of 2+6 months+23 days = 935 days

Math is not usually very important to me, but when it comes to the dates and times of my most personal and inescapable trial, every day counts and must be counted in my head. Every one represents a major contest that God and I were in; every one tells a story of how much I needed God and yet fought against Him; every one challenges me to continue wrestling with God with all I’ve got so that His win can encompass all of my losses.

It’s funny though, I thought when the trial was done and the lessons were complete, I would truly be done learning difficult lessons! I waited expectantly for my life to move on to pastures greener than I had known before because I was leaving behind the person who had no place for God in her life.

I thought living with God and surrendering to His plan in my life would get easier after I had the physical energy to rise in the morning and take possession of boundless opportunities. At least, I hoped it would.

Maybe it is easier in a way, it is certainly harder in others. I am in new territory now. Who is to say what God will do next? Who knows whether He will alter my life in any big ways at all? Maybe this is it. I am being returned to usual life experiences with (hopefully!) a new appreciation for them; a new eye for God in them; a new capacity to turn each one into worship.

Is that enough for me? I must confess, I believe I need more. What is worse, I don’t want to be taught otherwise. I don’t want to adjust to life as it is; I want life to adjust to me as I am. O Lord, I’m beginning to wonder if I really learned anything at all! I have to know, How have the lessons helped? Have they only been meant to teach me how frail and human and prone to be independent I am?

Somehow the lessons of a years-gauged trial, like any trial, are never enough to declare me eligible for the “sweet life” from here on out. They merely show off my weaknesses to humble me and display God’s grace to glorify Him. In light of that, I should move on, conscious of the next trial, with acceptance and peace. I have need of yet another great imposition. For, I have been moved considerably by the pressure of my last test, but now that I’m here I see that I have even farther to go.

Can I trust You in the stillness of my life?

Boredom seems to eat away at my soul–slowly depleting my hardy reserves of faith and hope and love. What is the matter, Lord? Why aren’t You doing the things You keep insisting You will? Why do You find it necessary to wait–especially when the echoes of this silence stifle my cries for an outbreak of divine commotion?

How could You fail to meet my expectations for a very exciting God in this moment of my life? I see You doing things, but I am left feeling like You are holding out on me. What is going on here? Do my senses lie or am I just not ready for what You’ve got planned next?

I don’t think I can bear much more stillness. My prayer muscles seem thoroughly fatigued: Could this mean the prayer-only stage of this process is coming to an end? I thought I was content with the routine You and I had going, but now You are switching everything up on me. I can’t really put my finger on anything, but my spirit is sensing a lot of “never-been-here-before” and “what-could-be-next…” And let me say that these spiritual syndromes really don’t feel all that fun right now!

I want to ask, “Couldn’t You give me more clues, Lord?” Since You know everything, isn’t it about time that You decided I could know the same? I’m impatient and weary. I would think everything should be all wrong because of these musings of mine, but yet all seems right on track–I just haven’t figured out which track that is yet.

Could You help; could You give me whatever it is You know I need right now? I don’t know how to ask any more. I have exhausted all that I know in the form of requests and suggestions. I need only grace and another glimpse of Your glory.