Though I long to run away, it will not be from You that I go

Oh, the journey! It breaks my heart and it mends it. It proves to me that God is there and His ways are for me even with all the evil in my story. I didn’t belong in His great scheme, so He came and invaded mine. And, oh, where would I be if He didn’t? Every day He gives me notice of my need for Him and His willingness to be the Governor of every mystery about me that enfolds (and would forever ensnare me except for Christ).

I could not handle my life without Him. I am not meant to be a burden-bearer, but to be yoked to the One who carries for me what would destroy me if left on my shoulders alone. I can be broken, but please, let it be my Lord who does what is necessary rather than my Enemy who offers to me not a single gain!

I want so much, but how often the wrong thing! I know hunger, cravings and lack, but given the choice I will not take the gift that is for me, I will insist on the illfitting temptation, the opportunity that was never meant to bear my name. All good things my God has engraved my name upon with His finger, but I reject them all in their perfect packaging for something more familiar — an unmarked grave that I can mark with my own hands and fill with my self-willed destiny.

What a pity that I do not trust God! I prefer to live in ignorance of truth that I might attempt to carve out my own. Yet, what a surprise that all Truth resides with Him who bears its name; I find my boundaries when I try to build my own foundations as I go against all the rules.

But no matter what trial or trevail of the soul seems to take over me, from this my whole testimony does not waver:

On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.

It is not about what I do, or what can be said of me — it is about Him and what I and others can say about Him because of what He has done for me and in me and through me despite my obvious weakness.

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