I don’t know whether any of you have ever had this issue before, but God was just showing me that I need to forgive HIM. I know, we’re not used to hearing about forgiveness in connection God when He isn’t the One forgiving us, but hearing it from Him now makes a lot of sense.
I have been noticing this intense anger festering just beneath the surface this past week. It began to really scare me today, as I wondered what was really bothering me. I had no clue. Little did I know it was a problem I was having with God, and not with the people I was being “short” with.
Maybe I should be perfectly okay with God and what He’s doing in my life — on my heart — but I’m not. I thought that I would like His ways better by now. But, I am more human than I like. I want to accept His ways with perfect compliance, but that is a far off dream; as far away as heaven and worshiping Him with my entire being for all eternity.
I want that, but I can’t have it but in part here.
So, Lord, teach me to trust You enough to forgive You for what I don’t appreciate of Your methods, and reach out for the grace to forsake bitterness and embrace mercies that I don’t deserve.
Forgiving is not an entirely new concept for me. God has called me to do a lot of forgiving this past year — not something I enjoy, but completely worthwhile because it has been necessary for hearts and relationships to become unshackled by sin and free to grow in more grace.
In these unfamiliar circumstances I have learned that it is not okay for me to let pain from past encounters with others and present unfulfilled expectations to ruminate in my heart. As the temple of the Lord, I must be pursuing holiness in every regard — paying close attention to internal and relational tensions as they clamor for my attention.
God has given me emotions as a precious gift. For me to ignore them is a sin, just as it is to give them free rein. Rather, I must present them openly and honestly to God as a first-fruits offering of my heart.
Here, Lord, this is what I have in my heart; make it Yours. I do not belong to myself, but I want to welcome Your work within me. It’s not pretty — what I’m giving You — but You didn’t seek after me for beauty, but to form Yourself in me.
I don’t want to use my heart or emotions for anything else but His purposes. They are mine to steward, but not mine to release and enjoy with complete ease. Giving way to emotions for the sake of feeling uninhibited is often the first act of surrendering myself to the power of sin in my heart. Instead, may they be a stimulator to seek God with fresh intensity and expectation. Let God, instead, stand as the Lord of my heart; making it more His home-base than an enemy plane offering Him constant resistance.
Sure, I can not be perfect, but I want the Perfect One to have unrestricted access to the fearful depths of sin in me.