How can I be silent?!

The pain won’t lift from my heart. I pour what I can into conversation with my Father, but where the words end, the frustration remains–in some ways, deeper than ever. The absence of immediate relief tests me, but in another, odd way it strengthens me.

I realize that my frustrations may be greater than I, but they do not dictate the actions of the One who holds my life. And if He is not changed by what I’m experiencing inside, should my attention be focused there?

I used to think if I could ruminate all that I was going through, putting in detail all that I was thinking, all that distressed me and made my spirit wilt in my condition, then, I could have a handle on things and I wouldn’t be as bad off. But this really only increased my absorption in feelings that were already depressing and…destructive.

So God made clear that His wish for me was that I choose silence in my struggles as much as was possible for me. Essentially, He was requesting that I abandon my self-interested ideas about what I need to carry me through a bad moment or a rough day.

It has taken strength and spiritual fortitude I do not have to refuse to delve into my own perceptions of the situation and figure out the solution that would best make me happy. When my whole life bothers me, I’ve always had one hope to fall back on: my ability to give self-comfort.

But God has made it clear that clinging to Him and turning to my own ways of finding relief are not options that will ever stand in agreement. I must choose a life that functions in the liberties of one or the other. It is very difficult–there is no use in saying it was difficult. When I choose Christ, it often means that my I-want-to-feel-good priority must take a back seat to whatever larger thing God wants to accomplish.

Needless to say, it typically takes a long time for my heart to get in step with cherishing the idea of that larger good. All I really want, most of the time, is for my own sensitivities to be attended to. But even while I’m not getting all I believe I need to get by, God is showing me that there is something better to my life than attending to feelings that just reside in me. He wants to expand my heart’s regard for His thoughts, feelings and ambitions. It hurts, but it’s real. After all, His love for me is never without pain.

Am I waiting to hear…nothing? Or are You near, Lord?

I sit at the feet of my Master, shivering because I don’t know how to stop. I’m here because I need to be–something came up to give me reason to be near Him. My world feels like it’s falling apart. It’s scary–what I have to look out at from beneath His shadow.

“Oh, God,” I plead. “Please, let me know my circumstances can’t diminish Your power or presence in my life. Let me know You haven’t changed and that You’ll always been there. I need to feel close to You, right now! Oh…I’m too afraid to be where I am alone.”

A sob escapes me and I cry. Half of me hates being this dependent, half of me knows it is good, even with all this pain.

A few moments pass and I’m not sure He’s heard me. I feel a little quieter inside, but I think this is just because I’m waiting to hear an answer.

Then a sound from Him stirs the silence in the room. He doesn’t say a word, but somehow He is just enough. I wouldn’t say that I feel Him, but I am reminded deep in my soul that He is there. That is all I need.

Not that I can work wonders with whatever God gives me, but that He can do great things through seemingly small or imperceptible means. He does not have to show up on my doorstep to give me what I need. Just a hint of Hope can do a world of good.

What does Your strength look like here?

My body shakes with a torrent of tears that just won’t stop, even though I thought I was finished minutes ago. “I feel in a bind today, God.”

As I speak, all hope of getting myself “back together” is lost. It will have to not matter that my neighbors may be party to this emotional downpour as I walk by; I have to get away from home–at least for a few minutes.

My struggle isn’t new, I realize, it just hurts me anew.

“I know I’ve come to You with this before,” I admit with a wail, “but it’s too big for me to not ask for Your help, again.

“I know Your answer will probably not be to change things right away,” I acknowledge, “but You have to do something to help me. It feels like all my weakness is crashing in on me all at once.”

After a pause I land on the one thing that I cannot do without just now. “I just want to know: What does Your strength look like here?”

His words reveal that He is the One behind these constricting circumstances: They are not an accident that happened on His watch, but a difficult matter that He means to shape me into more of dependent on His blessing.

My child, My strength? It doesn’t look any different than enabling you to live in weakness–teaching you to embrace it and surrender yourself to Me. You see, recognizing your brokenness isn’t the end of you, it’s just the beginning of Me. It’s worth it to be here. I will show you how…Are you watching?

Do you know My love, O Human?

Do you remember what My love looked like when it first began? Did you feel the passion with which I first wove you together, longing for intimacy and fellowship with you? Can you go back to the day My affections for you first sprang forth within My heart?

No, My child, you cannot go there. You do not know those places–sacred and sweet to My Spirit. You cannot got there, but You can trust My words that they exist. They are alive and well and they swell over you every day of your life: Every day that you fail, every day that you experience another little piece of success or joy.

I am there in all those moments and My love is not unknown. I ache for you to know Me in these places. And slowly you are growing into My wish. Your awareness of Me is deepening, becoming a natural element of any situation you find yourself in. Then, as your senses are enlivened, your interest is also piqued. I am behind that.

I love that you are experiencing all these things. My joy is yours as you process through your walk with Me. You are catching a greater glimpse of what it really means to be alive, to be, well, to even be…human.

Where are You leading my thoughts, Mind-Adjuster?

“You have trained my thoughts in grace, Father,” I intimate with wonder. “Before you took on my need, I did not know how to think with any rightness.” How I know God remembers my error-plagued ways. For years I could not see one concrete evidence of His kindness to me. Nothing that I would initially acknowledge as a blessing remained in my consciousness beyond that first moment or two of experience. I was constantly trying to pressure God into proving Himself to me again: I wanted Him to conform His love to my idea of a good show, a perfect dream.

“My perception of Your love was tainted by all the garbage that filled my soul,” I confess. “I knew nothing outside of contaminated impressions of life and You and me. I was in a really bad place. And it still amazes me that I can tell You these things in the past tense. Apart from You assuming the role of my Neighbor and Friend, I would still be there; the confusion and excuses continuing to reign over me. But, now You are the King.

“And as Your precious servant, I have been set upon a rock solid foundation, where I need not question the origins of my Hope, for there You are beside Me. The conclusion of the story–though I’ve not gotten there yet, I nevertheless know: You have won the victory in my life. No obstacle has stopped You; nothing has made You come up weak–short of the mighty triumph that was Your goal. I have been made stronger internally than I ever imagined I could be. You have given me hope and instructed me in a love-your-God-with-all-your-mind kind of worship. I am free…and I can only think that You are the reason!

What is there in death that is not grace?

“God, I can’t live this dependent on You.” My words are truth–an admission of undeniable need–not a whining attempt to manipulate His hand by way of His heart. “Every day it becomes more obvious: You have set me on a path that is not equal to my abilities. In Your sovereignty over the grand scheme of my life, You were not looking for a way to make my strengths and Your goals compatible. Rather, You have made a way that allows only for all strength to come from You.

“Truly, Father,” I go on, in a tired way. “I cannot pretend that this is easy for me to take. It isn’t. I feel like You’re taking away my freedom. I feel like you are condemning me to death. I can’t escape and I don’t know how to live here either. What am I to do? How am I to continue on this unfriendly-to-me path? Nothing I’ve ever experienced in life presents me with examples of how to handle this latest test. I am helpless, in myself.”

My child, that is exactly how I want you to be. In the greater-than-you difficulties of your condition, you are most present to grace. All your reaching from that place can but be for Me. I know it feels like death to you but, loved one, you must grow to embrace death in My hands just as you embrace life. I am the One who provides for you in both–I am the One who uses both for your good.

I know you don’t want to see good from Me in this way. But, My tender one, it is time. You are ready to face this. You must grow deeper in Me, and this is what is required. If there could be another way, I would execute it. Yet, My still one, you will not truly suffer: The gain you shall receive through this is knowing more acutely the pleasing submission I exhibited in My death. You will understand what gave value and depth to My resurrection.

You will be acquainted more deeply–more feelingly–with My travails for you. You will be consumed by Love in a greater way. You will rejoice–on the other side–for you will know that your God did not hold back from you any revelation that would bless you; though, at times they ran so deep that they exposed your weaknesses.

Trading sleepless moments for a sweet embrace

“Alright, Lord,” I announce. “Rest won’t come to me in slumber and my heart is irritable with my restlessness, so here I lay before You.” With a sigh, I lean into hope: “I don’t know what Your purposes can make of moments like these, but I’d like You to make me a witness of a new form of grace, if You please.” The request is offered in weak faith, yet it is set before a positively powerful and earnestly eager God.

He waits on the wings of deepest night and earliest morning for requests like these. He whispers in the darkness a secret I can’t quite comprehend: I am one who has unconsciously been honored with the opportunity to engage Him at an irregular hour. It is my privilege to lay aside the thought of my own trouble and reach out for His unchanging mercies. As I do so, I will grasp in a new way the meaning of these gifts that wake the morning.

I twist and turn a bit, letting a thought or two of disagreement pass through my mind. I would like to be zapped with an appreciation for this blessed occasion, but the option is not presented to me. The only provision God gives is an invitation for me to exercise faith in what He declares to be true. I must act as though this is a period of time–however long it lasts–in which I can enjoy untold pleasures with my Lord.

He alone knows what may be–will I bank on that and put my heart in His hands? I do, and then He shows me something new–something that chases away all that made me blue.

This for Me, My child, is a perfect moment: My name is on your lips. The difficulty of the moment has sharpened your expectation for Me and there is no way that I will not rise to meet you in the midst of what I have ignited. Yes, dearest one, sleep is far away, but don’t spend your time fretting about it and wasting time. After all, I am up and I want to speak while no one else can yet be heard, lifting their voice in competition with the Divine. Yes, savor this precious bit of silence–the secrets that swim between us will more than make it worth embracing!